When 'Big' hits the shelves, I'll sit in the back of an open top late sixties classic car and have confetti drizzled down from the tops of buildings. When 'Big' hits the shelves, Paul McCartney will call me and say 'Hey, I heard your album... it's great... we should hang out, eat tofu, record together and play Skipbo. When 'Big' hits the shelves, MacDonald's will change the name of their Big Mac to simply 'Big'. When you take the top part of the bun off, you'll distinctly hear 'Epaulettes'. It's all part of a cross media promotion. When 'Big' hits the shelves, everyone with one of those caution signs that reads 'Baby On Board' will change the sign to read 'Big On Board'... meaning that currently in their CD player... my album will be pumping out tasty and delicious melodies. When 'Big' hits the shelves, small planes will fly over the major cities in Australia with a banner in tow of a mobile phone number. When people ring the number they will hear a prerecorded message of Hillary Duff in tears declaring how incredible 'Big' is and how it has had a profound impact on her life... When 'Big' hits the shelves, one of the Wiggles will put on a noticeable amount of weight... when questioned about it in an interview, he will respond 'I love Courtney Murphy's album 'Big', this is my homage to him.' When 'Big' hits the shelves, a national holiday will be declared so we can all stay home and listen to 'Big'. On an aside, KRudd will pay careful attention to the lyrics and every time I say the word 'Everyday' on the album, he will drink a big shiny f*ck off Margarita in honour. I love our Prime Minister. When 'Big' hits the shelves, Dan Murphy's the liquor merchant stores will change their name for one day to 'Courtney Murphy's' and just sell Tequila, Triple sec, fresh lemon and lime, VB and my record. Oh and ice. When 'Big' hits the shelves, a big group of models will walk the streets and whenever they see someone wearing Epaulettes... give them a big kiss on their cheek. I believe a big group of models is referred to as a 'charm'... the same as a group of Hummingbirds. When 'Big' hits the shelves, the Australian cast of 'Chicago' will change the song 'All I Care About' to 'Thinking About You Naked'. When the song gets to the lyric '...and it's freaking me out like Jandek...' Jandek himself will actually walk from one side of the stage to the other, stopping in the middle to tip his hat and give the audience an unnerving creepy glare. When 'Big' hits the shelves, new rounds of ammunition will be issued to the troops in Iraq that when shot will produce a distinct whistling sound that sounds uncannily like the opening to 'She's Not One Of Those Girls'. When 'Big' hits the shelves, for a period of time the gambit 'Big Time' will be confusing to all hearing it... possibly because most people will think it is indeed the time of day when one must listen to their favourite ex-idol album. When 'Big' hits the shelves, I will drink from the crisp waters of the Te Waikoropupu Springs to cleanse my body and mind ready for the next album... which will be demanded heavily from me. J.K. Rowling will call me and invite me to join her seminar 'Expectations & Follow-ups: How To Avoid a Sophomore Slump'. Previous attendees of this seminar are Alanis Morissette, the writers of 'Lost' and 'Heroes'... and just recently... Dan Brown. I plan to doze off in the middle of said seminar. When 'Big' hits the shelves, I will hold a party. You're invited. This party will be called 'Album Launch'. Just for a wacky party name. I'll more than likely get my band to set up and play heaps of stuff... like the entire track listing of the album. I'll have copies of the album there, so I can sign a copy for your mum and have a photo with you... I know how the kids are into those things these days. The party will go... like... FOREVER...long. When 'Big' hits the shelves, I'll market a line of colourful little pebbles that you can scatter around your bathroom just before you have a dinner party... and when your guests ask 'what are those little colourful stones in your bathroom... you can answer 'Oh they're just little rocks in my head'. Not only will you be breaking the ice... you'll become a party favourite; and everyone will think you're cool because of your taste in music... and obviously your sense of humour. 'Barratuesdy'... there's one for free. When 'Big' hits the shelves, Rove will play the opening riff to 'The Actress' the next time a famous Hollywood actress walks out for an interview... ... ... that's actually not a bad one. Love Court.
Posted: 2009-07-06 21:22:47Author:admin